


Should I stay or should I go?

by KJteddybear



Category: Red Dead Redemption (Video Games)
Genre: Canon Divergent, Escape, F/M, Father-Son Relationship, Fix It, M/M, Other, arthur lives, micah dies
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-17
Updated: 2020-07-19
Packaged: 2020-09-02 13:07:34
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death
Chapters: 5
Words: 4,814
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20276398
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KJteddybear/pseuds/KJteddybear
Summary: After the botched Black-Water heist, Arthur thinks about recent life in the gang and how the people he would once die for have changed to a nearly unrecognisable point and battles with himself as to whether he should cut his losses and run from everything he's ever known or stay for those who need him the most.





	1. Near miss.

Running with no end in sight and breathing borrowed air into his burning lungs, Arthur rasped out,"Where we going Dutch?". The Black-Water heist had been Micah's idea and although many people knew it would be a bad idea as most of his were dutch's blind agreement to the brash man had yet again led them to the jaws of death. Arthur could think about that later, for now he and a newer member, Charles rode ahead to find shelter.The rest of the gang were mostly injured, or less involved with the outlaw life and trailed behind slowly, morales low in the snowstorm and harsh temperatures and hope lost in the death of Mac and Davey. When they finally found a ranch abandoned on the mountain, the gang piled in and finally sighed a breath of relief, thankful to be alive.

Many hadn't slept a wink after the night's events so were up when dawn shone through the now less forceful snowfall, giving the snow a pinkish tint.There wasn't time for admiring the sun rise though as they had several mouths to feed and 2 dented cans of pineapples between them, causing a lot of tension.

Charles laughed despite the night's events at Arthur's cluelessness on how to hunt. It caught him by surprise as Arthur had always been the star at most things in the camp.He kept his calm demeanour as he aimed his hand carved bow at the unsuspecting doe, knuckles turning white as he pulled the piercing arrow back, carved flint at the end gleaming in the light.He let go.Arthur watched in awe as the arrow whistled through the air hitting its target head on and securing the gangs future not dead from starvation.They hauled the doe back to their friends, but not before Charles spotted a small O'Driscall gathering ride through the long dead, looming trees, one scrawny figure in particular dragging behind and Arthur was hot on their tails to get information on where Colm is and what their next move could be. He thundered up the mountain, getting ready to capture the weakest link, lasso high in the air ready to be thrown.The scrawny boy yelped out as he was dropped to the floor hard and his horse fled, his so called gang mates not even bothering to turn around, so Arthur made quick work of tying the rough, damp rope tightly around him and stowing him on his Nokata, Toothy."What's your name boy?" Arthur roared out.Nothing."Don't make me ask twice",he said in a lower more threatening tone. Voice quiet enough to sound miles away a squeak came back,"Kieran". Arthur slowed his trot slightly to turn around and eye the ragged young man behind him,"And what are you O'Driscalls doing up here?" he asked, annoyance seeping through each word behind gritted teeth."I-I- don't know nothin' I swea-" he was cut of by the butt of a gun smacking him in the forehead "I said what are you doing here boy don't make me break your fuckin' arm" "-Please-ple- just let me go I don't know nothin'-please I just look after the horses".

Fine. Arthur could play this game. He decided Dutch would know what to do with Kieran, though he seemed to know less and less what to do these days.....He shook the thought from his mind as he arrived at the shoddy shelter.


	2. Returning hope

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur realises Kieran is telling the truth and develops a soft spot for the man.As winter thaws out, the gang plan their next steps and where to head, leaving Arthur at a crossroads.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Can you tell I hate Micah and am planning to hurt him? lol

The Van Der Lindes awaited the spring thaw like a wolf pack hounding their prey, tensions were rising after being cooped up for so long and many members were taking it out on the O'Driscall boy. Arthur couldn't explain why but when he saw Micah spit on Kieran and kick him repeatedly it made him feel sick-was he going soft? He stared at Kieran, a sorry sight curled up by the wood support he was tied to face bruised and eyes teary and felt a rage burn in his chest at the thought of Micah or anyone else for that matter going near him. Guilt flooded him as he tortured himself over the fact that it was him that bought Kieran to this fate, but why did it bother him so much, as if he hadn't done worse? He decided there was no way a terrified boy like Kieran could be an important asset of the O'Driscalls and obviously didn't know their plans.

Day by day the snow melted more and more, soaking into the cold dirt and revealing patches of dead grass underneath now turned a murky yellow colour.Susan had decided this was their time to move to the camp Hosea had gone to look at and had been barking orders all morning.Come noon all the wagons were packed full of various items and soggy bedrolls and each had a few outlaws squished in for good measure. Many of the gangs more active members followed behind on their horses or ahead as if to protect their wagons and more weak members.As Arthur rose he thought about his growing doubt of Dutch and the way Micah acts, a feeling setting deep into his gut that someone doesn't have the best intentions for them and the cracks are beginning to show in the once close pack.He becomes frustrated with himself for even thinking this about his family but truth be told he's terrified.  
______________________________________  
Arthur's journal entry  
______________________________________

I wish I could talk to Dutch about my doubts, but recently he's been very hostile. The gang used to be about helping those in need but he shot a child on that heist and has been more and more obsessed with robbing anyone recently, not just the rich. Now we've gone and stranded ourselves on a mountain in winter and I don't know who to blame for that, not to mention I've kidnapped a young man who is obviously innocent. I feel like we've lost our way as of recently all the killing I've done catching up I'm finally feeling the guilt I should've long ago, I feel sick listening to Dutch's speeches justifying what we do these days. I have never considered leaving before this has been my whole life and people like Jack and Tilly rely on me but maybe there is something more to life than this, maybe I've just been brainwashed for so long I hope I can still redeem myself. I have a feeling the way Dutch's going if he saw this he'd shoot me too, his own son.....  
____________________________________

After arriving at Horseshoe overlook Arthur was waiting for the first chance to leave, growing more and more frustrated with everything, people had noticed and gave him a wide birth, but not Micah, who always had something to say "What's up cowpoke? What you got your panties tied up for, huh? I seen the way you lookin' at Kieran recently and it'd be an awful shame if Dutch were to think his prized boy were a fairy." With each word Micah said Arthur felt himself lose control a little bit more he'd wanted to finish him right there and then, knew he could and knew several members like Charles and Lenny wouldn't be heartbroken (Micah frequently racially abused them and Dutch did nothing although he claims to make sure every member is safe) but he knows the rules. Instead he does the next best thing, jumping onto Toothy and breaking into a sprint with him.

Hours later Arthur found himself speaking with a man named Albert, whom he'd saved from the jaws of wolves, as it turns out Albert was a rather extraordinary man, a photographer speaking out about protecting animals and always in the wrong place at the wrong time. Arthur felt happy for the first time in a while after their interaction and wondered if this is what his out was, if this was redemption? He could go by what he'd been taught by his unravelling father figure (before the mans actions so wildly changed) and actually do good again. Before returning that night, he vowed to spend more time away from camp under the guise of 'hunting' and allow himself to explore something else for once in his life.


	3. Jailbreak

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur sticks to the promise he made himself and begins to get heat from the gang.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Micah big dead.

The following weeks flew by as Arthur appeared at camp less and less. He'd been as far as Saint Denis and as close as Valentine, yet never too close to his own family. He'd tried to avoid taking part in gang business, putting off breaking Micah out of jail as much as possible. Instead he'd found himself in several counties preferring the company of strangers in need than his own family. He didn't stop to think what that meant. During his small stays at camp, he was met with hostility, Javier asking several times what he was hiding from and Bill taunting him, "Micah's gonna become Dutch's pet if you don't watch it" Bill sneered from his spot surrounded by empty whisky bottles glowing in the sunset.

The next morning Arthur was trying to leave camp again as per his new routine and was stopped by a firm hand slapping down on his back, "You not goin' soft on us are you Arthur?" came Dutch's uneven tone, which had never seemed as threatening to Arthur as in this moment. He froze before turning to face his mentor, feeling every little thing around him, the sweltering sun all of a sudden getting to him, the dried and long dead grass underneath his scuffed boots crunching loudly as he began to move, but nothing could compare to the intense look on his mentor's face.Worry lines carved deep into Dutch's face as he looked his son up and down as if to size him up "I know we've had a hard time since the heist, son but things will come together again we just need faith, Arthur now is not the time to be losing hope." Arthur tried to act interested in the speech that was ingrained to his memory from repetition and knew this was just going to lead to him being ordered to break Micah out by the next night. Sure as the sky is blue, Dutch asked Arthur not to wait any longer for Micah and Arthur knew if he waited around this time it wouldn't be taken so lightly.

He decided not to push his luck, instead preparing Toothy for the slightly lengthy ride to Strawberry, brushing softly through the Nokata's shining coat and feeding it well before mounting up. He mulled over how he was going to get Micah out while on the way to Strawberry, dust kicking up behind him as he left the camp behind. Once at the jail Arthur saw that the cell bars were exposed and as much as he thought Micah was a bad fit for the gang he had no choice, so lit the wick on the blood red dynamite stick and watched with fear as the flame raced to the edge, blowing a hole in the dinky jail and most definitely alerting lawman in the area.He heard Micah's snicker from below him and a rumbling hacking fit from all the smoke before a bold "Thought you'd left me here to rot, cowpoke" came from the dishevelled, greasy rat. Arthur, already feeling uneasy about having Micah back wasted no time in ordering him to take any randomly hitched horse from the waterlogged and muddy cesspit and run as far away as need be, but as usual, Micah didn't seem to have anyone's best interest in heart, instead insisting on paying on old friend a visit, leaving Arthur shaking and exposed to the gunmen now tailing them.

Micah ducked out of sight into a small cabin on the outskirts of Strawberry, leaving Arthur alone to deal with the law, the amount of times Arthur had shot at lawmen you would think it wouldn't affect him, but his face paled with each man's life he had to tear through, his legs wobbling slightly with each shot, red hot bullets whistling past his head leaving him feeling nauseous, but it was either him or them. Maybe it was better off being him he thought.... Tearing him away from the dismal thought, a gunshot rang out from inside, followed by a piercing almost guttural screaming and Arthur thought they could finally leave until he saw the man that hastily emerged from the rotted wood door frame was not Micah. He knew there was little chance Micah had survived whatever vile actions had gone down within that cabin, but he couldn't go in and trap himself.

So, before he could think over his next steps, he leapt onto Toothy, who was bucking wildly at the sounds of the gunshots and began to run for his life, his breath slowing as he felt fainter and fainter, legs wobbling in the harnesses, but he couldn't rest now and so he kept snapping the reigns, hardly seeing anything in the pitch black of the night, inky skies and shadowed fields blending together leaving Arthur unsure if he was even being chased anymore.After what felt like hours,he finally felt safe enough to gracelessly let him self fall off his horse, the mare halting soon after, he hit the ground with a thud and spent a while on the floor rasping through his burning lungs and trying to regain his vision.

Hours late he woke up to being hammered by torrential rain, his horse sniffing him over and awaiting patiently through the thick of the weather. It was dawn now, sunlight gingerly peeking through the dark, angry clouds and attacking Arthur's recovering eyes.He got up hurriedly after realising he must have passed out and took a minute to gather his bearings and figure out where he was in relation to the camp and how to explain the night's events to his mentor, finding himself terrified of Dutch and hoping he could explain to the gentler Hosea.


	4. Hear me out.

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Arthur arrives back at camp and is met with confusion about what happened.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> R.I.P rest in piss Micah byeee

Arthur groggily rode through the swaying trees that gave their dainty camp some privacy, Lenny giving him a worried glance from his guard duty spot, not that Arthur noticed. When everyone saw him come back alone, they all swarmed around him like flies buzzing with questions, making him feel worse. Luckily there was no sight of Dutch, just the sound of him and Molly arguing, giving Arthur at least some time. He ignored the commotion surrounding him, not that he was really listening, instead making a beeline for Hosea's tent and rolling both flaps down to hopefully give the others a hint.

The minute he arrived, Hosea's face dropped, knowing there was something wrong with how pale his son looked. Hosea instantly began fussing over Arthur, insisting he sit on the cot and forcing some random concoction down his throat before he could get a word in.The awkward silence they'd fallen into was banished when Arthur said "Micah's dead". Hosea's face scrunched up into a grimace and the ageing man sat in deep thought for a minute or so before sighing and mumbling "I see",which is a better response than Arthur could've hoped for. "It seems we're running dry on luck recently" he dejectedly mused, "First the botched heist, then Mac and Davey,now this?". They talked for some time, Arthur explaining how, after Micah had escaped jail and they should have been running, he instead insisted on visiting someone while Arthur stayed outside to deal with the law, but had died inside the cabin. Hosea let out a deep groan at this, he'd never been that fond of Micah either and didn't see what Dutch held in such high regard, but he thought the now dead man had at least some sense.

"Did you bury him?" came after a few minutes of them silently agreeing, snapping Arthur out of his thoughts, "no" he replied-"the whole town was swarming with law, it'll be a good few days before we can retrieve him without being noticed". "Okay" said Hosea, always the more understanding one. With that, Arthur decided to leave Hosea to tell Dutch the news, them both knowing Hosea had more of a chance of getting through to Dutch. He left the tent, gang now spread around camp again understanding to mind their business and headed straight to the stewpot, barely acknowledging Pearson's hello and downing a hefty bowl of stew as if it were a drink before going straight to his tent and putting the flap down. Inside he let himself fall onto his cot, rubbing over his face harshly and wanting to forget who he was, even wondering what it was Swanson was on sometimes. He was not usually a man to get drunk, aside from the odd event, mind going back to the hours he spent searching for 'YNNEL'. Before he could give himself time to rationally consider it, he decided he needed to get blackout drunk .No matter which poisonous potion, each cap made the same squeaking sound as Arthur tore it off and downed the concoctions in one gulp, moving onto the next one without hesitation, that was before he was rudely interrupted by Dutch and Hosea's footsteps nearing his tent and a cautious "Son, we need to talk", the only reply that came was Arthur mumbling something and a loud crash as he rolled out of his cot in his stupor, causing Hosea and Dutch to throw the flaps open, hearts breaking at the sight of their boy in so much pain.Hosea rushed over and hoisted Arthur into a sitting position, his actions unresisted by the half-conscious man. Dutch knelt down and, in a moment of clarity, realised how jaded he had been recently and how disconnected Arthur was becoming,"my boy, what's happened?" he pleaded with the younger man, who in response leaned forward into Hosea's chest and spluttered slightly, followed by a rougher cough and painfully heaved up a lot of what he'd just consumed.

Dutch and Hosea both hoisted Arthur up and guided him out of the tent to assumingly spit up more, judging by the retching. By now a crowd had formed, John trying to mask his concern to be more manly, but his scrawny figure betraying him, others whispering and Bill spoke up and asked Dutch what was wrong, to which the leader was stumped. Hosea, always the wiser turned around, asked them for privacy and ordered Grimshaw and a few others to help clean the ground of Arthur's tent, the foul odour of which would probably lead to more vomit. When they were sure Arthur was done for then they sat him by the fire at the cliff edge of Horse Shoe overlook forcing a pails worth of water down him. "What on earth are you thinking getting so drunk at a time like this" came Dutch's voice, which was instead answered by Hosea's stern voice warning him to stay calm. Dutch wrung his hands for a moment, stress clear on his face, but nonetheless complied. "We're not going to get anything out of him tonight, let's get him to bed and make sure he is on his side" advised Hosea, who was always one step ahead.

"Noooo" came a slurred response, the elder two shocked at Arthur's newfound voice. "Son, you're drunk go to sleep" Dutch and Hosea said in unison to the dismay of Arthur. At this Arthur let out a sob, shocking Dutch, who didn't know of Arthur's sensitive side, beyond belief. Dutch felt a sudden overwhelming urge to hug Arthur like he did when Arthur was just a boy, but Arthur wasn't one for hugs these days, preferring to pat people on the shoulder. Spurred into action by Dutch's helplessness, Hosea got Arthur to his feet and walked him over to Dutch's tent, laying him on Dutch's cot, Dutch following in confusion. Hosea gave Dutch a stern glare and a "You need to talk to our son about why it is he's growing afraid of you" before leaving a confused Dutch and half conscious Arthur together 


	5. Re-connecting

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Dutch and Arthur have words.

Arthur woke up to the sounds of a lively camp, opening his eyes he saw the blurry figures of Susan and Bill arguing and upon looking around saw what was left of their camp, if it could be called that anymore. In shock he forced himself upright to get to the bottom of what had caused the sudden dismantlement of their home. He was about to stumble over to Susan and ask but saw that even his tent was fully packed up, the wagon ready to drive, except for his cot.

He jumped out of his trance upon feeling a hand on his shoulder, whipping around to see Dutch staring earnestly into his eyes he nervously put his head down. Arthur became frustrated with himself for feeling scared of his own father figure, trying to remember why and when it began and why he got nervous around him as if he wasn't a fearless gunslinger. A sharp "Come talk with me boy". Arthur followed trying to ignore the shaking in his leg that was making his gait uneven, They eventually reached the cliff edge of Horseshoe Overlook and Dutch put his hand on Arthur's shoulder and said "Look at me son". Arthur nervously inhaled and looked up, unable to make eye contact, he felt so small under Dutch's gaze as he fidgeted and tried to keep his eyes focused, "Yes Dutch?" he replied shakily having to clear his throat when his voice wavered, at this something in Dutch broke hearing his son so forlorn and anxious around him, he whispered "Oh my dear Arthur what have I done, I've worked you to the bone this is all my fault son, did you not feel you could come to me and tell me?" Arthur shook his head and wiped angrily at his face when he felt a tear slip out, trying to keep himself composed before he felt warm arms curling around his back and the soft material of Dutch's vest on his face. At this the dam broke, Arthur was feeling so much he didn't know what to do he was angry at himself for crying and letting this get to him, he was beyond embarrassed and he was mad at Dutch, but at the same time he never wanted Dutch to let him go. Dutch was shocked when Arthur threw his arms around him as well and he felt Arthur take a shaky breath in obviously trying his hardest not to cry, Dutch had never felt more useless standing there unsure of how to calm his son down, he hadn't seen Arthur anywhere near this state since he was just a boy. He gently shushed Arthur when he frantically tried to speak to explain himself and ran his hand through Arthur's messy hair hugging him close to his chest with his other hand. Arthur let out some strangled sobs, failing to suppress them and his knees grew weak, Dutch using all of his strength to hold the man up as his exhausted body shook with sobs.

Hosea saw the curious sight of Dutch and Arthur hugging and approached them gently not wanting to cause any more tension between the pair. "Dutch what's going on?" he called out when he was nearly there. Upon reaching them Hosea was astounded to see his boy shaking and crying, he looked up at Dutch expectantly, but Dutch just shrugged and looked at him with fear in his eyes, showing he was none the wiser. Hosea stood and rubbed soothing circles in his boy's back while Dutch hugged him, they waited until he was all cried out to try and coax some conversation out of him but he was completely mute, just shaking his head and nuzzling into Dutch's chest refusing to let go. By that point Susan had ordered all the nosy onlookers to their respective wagons and horses, shooing them out and leading the way to Clemens Point. Hosea realised that they needed to leave as soon as they could as the threat of Pinkerton's finding the camp were getting higher by the minute, but he also knew Arthur would refuse to go to Clemens Point like this. Hosea's voice broke the comfortable silence they'd fallen into "Dutch we need to move outta here and set up camp somewhere for the night" Dutch nodded knowingly and they took what was left of their supplies and gently coaxed Arthur on to Silver dollar, Dutch whistling for Arthur's horse to follow The Count and Hosea draping a blanket over Arthur's shoulders before climbing on and feeling Arthur's hands wrap around his waist and Arthur rest his head on his back.

"You just hold on, son and don't worry, we'll find somewhere to camp for the night", Hosea's voice cut through the sound of hoofbeats. "I reckon we should go to O'Creagh's Run, its very far away from valentine and quite isolated, no one will bat at eye at us if they pass, they'll think us hunters." "Lead the way then, Hosea" Dutch said after moments consideration.

They rode through the day with no breaks, wanting to put as much distance between them and Valentine as possible, their horses panting erratically, spurred on by promises of carrots and rest, they traversed the lumpy ground, often forced through the freezing water in attempts to not leave tracks for the Pinkertons as they feared Arthur would not fight in this state. Upon arriving to the shimmering pond, Hosea dismounted and found some flatter land in between the cover of the trees to set up a tent, taking Arthurs bedroll off his horse as well as his own off Silver Dollar and assuming Dutch would retrieve his own. By now Arthur was awake and looked confused and ashamed, still not making any move to dismount Silver Dollar. Hosea approached him and offered his hands, which the younger reluctantly accepted and let himself be guided down to the floor, although once he got there he didn't make any effort to move out of Hosea's grasp instead opting to bury his head in Hosea's chest and mumble a faint apology. Once the three had gotten comfortable in the tent, Arthur fell silent refusing to look at them, he had embarrassed himself in front of the whole camp because he couldn't handle one simple job without fucking everything up and now everyone knew he was a weakling, he began to pull at his hair the frustration rising up and Hosea and Dutch gently grabbed each of his hands, turning to face him while holding his hands in his lap. "What's wrong, Arthur?" Hosea prodded gently, Arthur sighed before replying, his voice breaking as he fought back the lump in his throat "Don't even know why I feel like this nowadays I just feel so lonely or at least I think I do, I don't really know what I'm feeling I just feel empty I feel like no one cares and I always thought I didn't want them to care, but I feel so trapped inside my head I don't know what I want I keep wanting hugs from you but I don't know how to approach it I feel stupid for wanting that I feel like a fuckin' burden I'm an idiot I cried in front of everyone they all think I'm stupid I'm a grown man and I cried in front of you all and I just feel so stupid"- His rant was cut off by the need to breathe. Dutch and Hosea sat in stunned silence for a minute, taking in everything their boy had said and internally cursing themselves for not noticing earlier, Arthur had always been shy they should've known he wouldn't come to them even if he needed someone. "Son, you are not weak or stupid for crying, this happens to everyone from time to time, I should've noticed you weren't 100% I'm sorry my sweet boy. It doesn't matter how old you get you'll always be our boy Arthur you can always come to us son, I often just opt for patting you on the shoulder now as you don't seem one for touch" Dutch replied, his voice showing he meant every word. "I don't know I'm so confused" Arthur said dejectedly followed by Hosea's calming voice "It's ok to be confused, son we all are but you can't punish yourself for it." 

After a short while of consoling Arthur and trying to understand his feelings, the three of them decided to put the lantern out and get some rest, Arthur was calmer now and sandwiched between his two elders with his head tucked into Dutch's chest and Hosea wrapped around his back, he felt warm and safe, just the three of them: the curious couple and their unruly son.


End file.
